Tuesday, January 26, 2010

oh me of little faith.

aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh... a sigh of relief.
and it only took me a year and a half of wrestling with myself, adding and dropping two degrees, and two panic attacks for me to finally figure things out.

the start:
for the past two years, a deep animosity toward my profession has grown inside my heart and mind. it’s this all-consuming, overwhelming, and frustrating job that sucks the life out of my life. i have negative time for myself or the people i love and adding a masters degree on top of that never helped. i have always felt athletic training never really suited me, my taste or my interests. i graduated with my first degree in teaching physical education in december. so, my only hope seemed to be getting another degree in something completely different. i thought english for a bit and then over christmas break (at literally the last minute) i decided special education felt more like me. two weeks ago i registered and was on my way. i thought i could stick out another two, awful years here as long as i knew there was an end in sight.

the restart:
over the past five years i have had four panic attacks. they tend to stem from multiple layers of stress and pressure to make big decisions. they come at the most inconvenient times and places. i can tell when they are about to happen, which is the weirdest thing. you would think i would be able to prevent or stop them but i can't. at first i catch myself staring at something - a person, powerpoint in class, the wall, anything. then i realize i have no idea of what is going on around me. i almost can't hear anything... i start to intently focus on my stressed out situation... then i cry... i can't catch my breath and i take these short breaths that leave me feeling light headed and scared. a snowball effect keeps me in this panicky state for a good while or until someone is able to calm me down.

all that to say, i left my special education classroom last night because of those exact feelings. i felt trapped in the classroom. i wanted to leave, but i felt i had to stay. it was so odd. i left and called my mom to calm down and ended having a panic attack outside the building. awesome.

i watered it down to this. i have been running from my calling. for whatever reason i have felt i made a big mistake choosing athletic training and the only way i could fix it was by getting another degree. i had to FIX it, control it, organize it, and reorganize it. but none of it was necessary, important or realistic.

i awkwardly went and got my stuff and left the class, rode my bike to austin's, and talked things out with him. he looked at me, put his hands on my shoulders and said, "why are you doing this to yourself? here's what going to happen. drop special education. add something easy that you will enjoy. finish the semester, look for jobs, and move the minute you find one. there's no reason you should be here if you're not happy." i love my boyfriend.

and that was that. i haven't stopped smiling since. i just got back from dropping my special ed classes and couldn't be happier. i'm still taking one class to keep my GA position and will job hunt for the rest of the spring until god shows me the right thing to do.

sidenote: i thought i didn't get paid for the month of december. i have had 12 bucks in my checking account for a month. come to find out, my check has been sitting in the business office for the past two months. unreal.

god gives me answers to my life's big questions and a paycheck within a 10 hour period. i have been so unfaithful to him and he blesses the snot out of me. oh me of little faith.

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